Look at Me

At Mass this past Sunday, I turned to my son, Luke, during the Sign of Peace. He grabbed my hand and held it tight and said, “Mom, look at me.” He repeated the words with a smile on his face and a knowing look in his 13-year-old eyes. “You keep looking around at everybody else. Look at me.”

At that moment, a realization dawned.

I have been plagued lately from what I would call a “troubled heart,” in great need of that “peace that surpasses all understanding.” As my son spoke to me at Mass, I felt like Martha being scolded by Jesus, “Kelly, Kelly, you are anxious and worried about many things. There is need of only one thing.”

So, that Sunday afternoon, I went to my room and closed the door and I took the time to go through the RCSpirituality.org online retreat called “Troubled Hearts – A Retreat Guide on Peace of Soul.” I spent approximately 2 hours listening to the gentle voice of Fr. John Bartunek LC telling me how a person can achieve the Peace that only Jesus can give. Then I made an appointment for confession, and spent a bit more time than usual on an examination of conscience, inching a bit closer to that “self-knowledge” necessary for me to benefit from the grace I continually receive from the Lord.

My introspection led me to ponder a trait of one of my spiritual heroes, John Paul II – the ability to be in the present moment. John Paul II (who I just heard will be canonized on April 27, 2014 along with Pope John XXIII, hurray!) apparently was blessed with the ability to be wholly present to each person he met, despite the chaotic life he must have led as Pope. Everyone I have talked to who ever met the man said he would look into a person’s eyes like he or she were the only person in the world at the time.

I, however, find it oh so difficult to calm my ever anxious mind enough to do this. I am always moving on to what is coming next, unable to pay attention to what is right in front of me. Like the eyes of my son on that Sunday morning.

Further meditation on the passage from the evangelist for whom Luke is named tells me to invoke the help of Mother Mary, who herself “was greatly troubled at what was said” to her by the archangel Gabriel. When Gabriel told her not to be afraid, she accepted her future without question, trusting with humility God’s plan.

So I pray, “Mary, Queen of Peace, pray for me to live in the present moment, with trust in the Lord’s plan. Ask your spouse, the Holy Spirit, to calm my troubled heart and to help me to rest in the time and ‘the day that the Lord has made. Let me rejoice and be glad in it.’”