It was perfect: a beautiful green hardcover journal decorated with paisleys. To top it off, right in the center, written in beautiful script, was the word “Delight.” Having an artistic bent means details like that are important, but sometimes they also pose a problem. What would I use the journal for? It couldn’t just be something ordinary because it wasn’t just an ordinary journal.
That’s when I read the second part of the script: Psalm 34:7 ‘Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.’ I had found my answer.
You see, I was in one of those spots – maybe you’ve been there too – where your weakness and faults parade before your eyes. In the midst of the mess, you begin to wonder how anyone could actually love you for you.
I started thinking of this or that person. He liked this and she liked that. Then I started listing my qualities. No. No. And no. Very quickly I came to the conclusion that I am not all in all and I became quite confused as to who I really was. And of course in my mind, putting two and two together, that equaled ‘I just can’t be loved’. I wanted to be, but the math just didn’t add up.
I was in the middle of this debate with Our Lord when a friend gave me the book One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. It is the testimony of the author who, after witnessing and suffering several tragedies and struggling with the existence of a good God, she is challenged to write down one thousand gifts. When she accepts the challenge, she begins to discover the God of love and what it means to enter into true communion with Him.
Perfect timing.
It was as if God was telling me, “Alright, you don’t believe me? Try me. I dare you.”
Who can say no to a dare? Especially, if it is from God…
And so I pulled out that beautiful green journal and I reread that psalm. “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” Well, here goes, I thought, and I began.
I started out wishing I could be like a little kid counting for hide and seek, “One, two, three, one thousand!” But gradually, I realized that something was up. I actually began looking forward to the evenings spent in prayer listing those gifts. I even started taking time in the afternoon to keep writing. I just couldn’t seem to get enough of it.
This hitherto unknown joy had suddenly entered my life. I found a confidence in myself and a beauty in who I was that I couldn’t explain. That is not to say that my timidity and insecurity were suddenly whisked away. Rather, the world that had been black and white was now vibrant with color.
Mother Teresa once said, “You don’t have to be different for Jesus to love you. Only believe you are precious to Him. Bring all you are suffering to His feet – only open your heart to be loved by Him as you are. He will do the rest.”
Looking back, I can’t help but think how right she was. I had spent so much time trying to be loveable in this or that way that I completely forgot what it meant to be loved by God as I am. And I’m sure you can imagine, that didn’t go too well.
You see, when we don’t recognize His love we really do become miserable. We start to doubt everything that we once held as true and we analyze every action, trying to find the hidden meaning behind what this or that person did or said. It turns our hearts into a cruel, calculating, melancholy mess.
“How can we last even one day without hearing Jesus say, ‘I love you,’” Mother Teresa wrote. “Impossible. Our soul needs that as much as the body needs to breathe the air.”
Five months had passed when I finally came to one thousand. I wrote that last gift down with both excitement and hesitation. Finally, I had made it! And yet, I didn’t want this journey to be over.
To me a gift is more than just something given willingly and freely. A gift has meaning. Everything I had listed had exactly that. In what to so many might simply seem ordinary, I had found a precious treasure. Each number I wrote had become filled with gratitude; truly I had learned to delight in my God. And He certainly didn’t disappoint. I realized that each gift was also precious to Him. It was His way of saying, ‘I love you’ to my soul.
And now, after all this, could it really be the end?
No, it can’t be. God’s love reaches far beyond one thousand gifts. So I flipped the page and started again. And the second time around, I took my time. It didn’t matter how long it took to get to two thousand. The journey was the part that mattered.
Someone once asked me, “How do you know that God loves you?” I must admit, I was a little caught off guard.
“Well, do you want the catechism answer or the personal answer?” I asked, trying to buy some time to think. He wanted the personal one.
Many thoughts crossed my mind, but everything pointed to that one challenge. ‘Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.’ It certainly had taught me to delight in God and I had seen Him fulfill my heart’s desire: I am loved infinitely for who I am.
I guess that’s what happens when you accept a dare from God. While you might try to rush it to completion, He more than fulfills His end of the bargain in ways you never would have imagined. And no matter how many times we ask Him, “Do you really love me?” He always responds, “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways” (Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Sonnet 43). And if you try the math again, I’m sure you’ll discover that it adds up in quite a different way.
